4 posts tagged “ariadne”
You don't know, you don't know, and you'll never love me that way.
all candy and no depth lately, it seems. is it possible to talk one's well of emotion dry? and yet i'm happy, happier than i've been in a long time.
problem is, i feel guilty saying so.
because i'm feeling it, sharply:
there is a name for what I am.
they dance around it, they whisper it in the dark, these voices. they are free to say, they yell, taunting me, and my own mouth is bound, sealed with cotton, thunder, shame.
here is emptiness, here is weakness, here is fear.
and I know! i am not so tiny. these are things by day which i can ignore, and i do, though they burrow and dig and wait. they sit inside me until night comes, because here I am small, and they have many mouths.
my voice would be feared, should be -- but they know i am still powerless to use it. it would unmake me as soon as it would them.
--but--
(i am getting stronger)
there is a name for what i am, but i cannot speak it.
yet.
Awoke with fresh tears in my eyes. Another visitation from my dream-daughter, the one who has haunted my dreams but speaks only of death? But no, I do not remember her: though there was a church, a waterfall, a long fall...
Sometimes I am there again, walking delicately through a rainbow bed of fallen foliage, as soft sunset light falls through the canopy overhead and brushes my hair. There is no noise, nor rustle of breeze, and improbably, the leaves do not even crumple beneath my bare feet. Here is where she appeared first, apparition-like, with her words of love, of loss -- soft-spoken, but heavy as a drum. A gift and message from the future. A future, one not mine, but hers.
She says: I wanted to meet you, just once.
Once. The word is what it is: final, fatal, unambiguous.
But there I go again, and wait. Because I do not choose or know where I travel, in dreams, though tears remind me.
thank you for your well-wishes. please don't worry about me. things will work themselves out, as they must -- and maybe then i can talk about things here. but not now.
i promise, promise, to return shortly to crisps and pocky and hamburgers and pandas...
xoxo.
