5 posts tagged “malaise”
You don't know, you don't know, and you'll never love me that way.
Too many food & comix posts? To tell you honestly, I've been of a similar mind as well, but have been stalling... too scared to jump headfirst back into the ocean, in case I've lost whatever spark it was that had me searching for that thread to lead me back outside. So please bear with me, and think encouraging thoughts.
...meanwhile, for those who don't mind my trivialities, please feel free to beat me up over never having read Watchmen. What with it sitting on my bookshelf for more than ten years...
all candy and no depth lately, it seems. is it possible to talk one's well of emotion dry? and yet i'm happy, happier than i've been in a long time.
problem is, i feel guilty saying so.
because i'm feeling it, sharply:
there is a name for what I am.
they dance around it, they whisper it in the dark, these voices. they are free to say, they yell, taunting me, and my own mouth is bound, sealed with cotton, thunder, shame.
here is emptiness, here is weakness, here is fear.
and I know! i am not so tiny. these are things by day which i can ignore, and i do, though they burrow and dig and wait. they sit inside me until night comes, because here I am small, and they have many mouths.
my voice would be feared, should be -- but they know i am still powerless to use it. it would unmake me as soon as it would them.
--but--
(i am getting stronger)
there is a name for what i am, but i cannot speak it.
yet.
haven't cooked nearly enough lately, so i think i'll opt out of today's qotd. though i do make a mean maple-ginger glazed salmon, or so i've been told.
how many outfits? i'm very nervous about my upcoming trip. three weeks! i can't remember the last time i took such an extended voyage. i have no idea how to pack for such a thing. pack for heat, they say, but don't forget to pack for cold too! will i be able to launder there? my friend j tells me that in china it's often easier and cheaper to just buy new clothes when the old stuff gets dirty than it is to wash things. i find this kind of advice very intimidating.
am living a paradox as far as preparedness goes. the rough guide to china and fodor's hong kong are already being devoured in earnest; i love travel guides and maps, love the smell and feel of discovery by paper and the opportunity to meet a place in the flesh already feeling like an old friend. i remember my rough guide to egypt (i heart rough guides above all others), already dog-eared and read cover-to-cover twice before i'd even set foot in that ancient kingdom, maps covered in tentative, often revised, footpaths of pencil. checkpoints every half hour. but this time i'm at a bit of a loss. though hong kong is free for exploring, china will be fully chaperoned -- no room for wandering off the trail. haven't even had a chance to, or perhaps have chosen not to, learn the itinerary to see which locales will be hit, though one can only assume the biggies: beijing, xi'an, shanghai... in such a huge country, i thought it best to let others run the logistical hurdles. but now am feeling pangs of regret at not being able to plan the ins and outs of the trip myself.
(i really am an insufferable micromanager, aren't i? i wonder how people stand to be around me!)
calm down and let it flow, she says, my better judgment. it's out of your control, and if you forget something, well, that's another adventure for the memoirs. but all i can do is think: how many outfits?
